Big feelings, Little bodies: Understanding emotional regulation.

Have you ever watched a young person become incredibly upset about something that, to an adult, seems quite small?

Perhaps they lose a game and suddenly become furious. Their favourite snack isn't available and they have a meltdown. A friend doesn't want to play with them and they completely withdraw. They are asked to stop playing on a device and suddenly the whole situation feels impossible.

As adults it can be easy to think 'Why are they reacting like this?' But before we judge the size of the reaction, it can be helpful to think about the size of the feeling. Because for a young person, that feeling can be very real, very powerful and sometimes very difficult to manage.

Emotional regulation is our ability to recognise, understand and manage our emotions in ways that help us respond to situations. It doesn't mean never becoming angry, sad, worried or frustrated. It doesn't mean staying calm all the time. And it certainly doesn't mean expecting young people to suppress difficult emotions.

All emotions have a purpose.

Emotional regulation is about learning what our emotions are telling us and developing ways to manage them safely. This is something that develops over time. Young people aren't born knowing how to manage overwhelming emotions. They need opportunities to learn, practise and experience support from the adults around them.

Big emotions can feel overwhelming. Imagine being completely overwhelmed by an emotion but not really understanding what is happening.

Your heart is racing. Your face feels hot. Your stomach feels strange. You feel like shouting. You want to run away. You can't think clearly. You don't know what to say.

Now imagine being expected to calmly explain, 'I'm feeling overwhelmed because the situation has triggered a strong emotional response.'

Most adults would struggle to do that in the middle of an emotional moment. So why would we expect a young person to?

Sometimes their behaviour becomes the way they communicate what they cannot put into words.

They might shout. They might cry. They might refuse. They might hide. They might push things away. They might become very quiet.

These behaviours don't necessarily mean they don't want support. Sometime they mean they don't know how to deal with the situation right now.

One of the most useful skills we can help young people develop is recognising what happens before their emotions become overwhelming. Everyone has physical signs that their emotions are changing.

Anger might feel like:

• A racing heart

• Clenched fists

• Feeling hot

• Tense muscles

• Wanting to shout or swear

• Feeling like everything is irritating.

Anxiety might feel like:

• Butterflies or a sore tummy

• A racing heart

• Sweating

• Feeling shaky

• Wanting to escape

• Finding it difficult to concentrate

Sadness might feel like:

• Feeling heavy or tired

• Wanting to cry

• A tight feeling in the chest

• Wanting to be alone

• Losing interest in things

The signs will be different for everyone.

Helping a young person notice their own warning signs can give them an important opportunity to act before the emotion becomes too big.

It is important to remember that you can't always talk someone out of an emotion. When a young person is highly emotional, adults often want to reason with them.

We might say:

'But there's nothing to be upset about.'

'You need to calm down.'

'It's not a nig deal.'

'Why are you getting so worked up.'

We may be genuinely trying to help. But when emotions are running high, reasoning may not be what the young person needs first.

Sometimes the first step is connection and regulation.

A calm voice. A little space. A familiar adult. A quiet environment. A simple sentence.

Once the young person is calmer, there is usually more opportunity to talk about what happened and work out what could help next time.

It is important to remember regulation before reflection. Think about emotional regulation like a journey. When someone is extremely overwhelmed, the first goal isn't necessarily to analyse what happened. The first goal is to help them feel safe enough to come back towards calm.

Only then can we begin to reflect:

• What happened?

• What were you feeling?

• What did your body feel like?

• What helped?

• What could we try next time?

This is where difficult moments can become learning opportunities. Not during the peak of the emotion, but afterwards, when the person is ready.

We need to regulate with young people before they can learn to regulate themselves. Young people often need adults to co-regulate with them. This means our calm predictable presence can help them gradually learn how to manage their own emotions.

Think about a young child who is crying. We don't usually expect them to immediately stop crying and explain exactly why they are upset.

We might cuddle them. Speak calmly. Sit with them. Help them feel safe.

Over time, young people gradually develop more independent ways of managing those feelings. This doesn't happen over night. And it doesn't happen in exactly the same way for every child. Some young people may need more support than others.

A useful way of thinking about emotional regulation is to imagine that everyone has an emotional cup. Throughout the day, things can add to that cup.

A poor nights sleep. A difficult morning. A disagreement with a friend. A noisy classroom. A challenging lesson. Feeling hungry. A change to usual routine. Worrying about something at home.

Individually, these things might seem manageable. But when the cup is already nearly full, something small can cause it to overflow. This is why a reaction can sometimes seem disproportionate to the immediate event. The reaction may not be about that one thing. It may be about everything that came before it.

When helping young people find their own ways to regulate, remember there isn't one magic strategy that works for every young person. What helps one young person may make another more frustrated.

Some young people benefit from movement. Some need quiet. Some want to talk. Others need space. Some find breathing exercises helpful. Others find focussing on their breathing uncomfortable when they are already anxious. Some may benefit from sensory activities. Other may prefer drawing, music, writing, walking or simply sitting with a trusted adult.

The important thing is to explore rather than prescribe. And importantly, these strategies are much easier to use when they have been practised before a crisis occurs. Don't wait until the meltdown!

We don't learn a new skill for the first time when we are at our most overwhelmed. Imagine trying to learn how to swim while already struggling in deep water. It is much easier to practice when we are calm. The same applies to emotional regulation. We can practice identifying emotions when things are going well. We can talk about physical signs during everyday conversations. We can explore different coping strategies when the young person isn't distressed. Then, when a difficult moment comes, they have some familiar tools and language to draw upon.

One of the most important messages we can give young people is 'Your feelings are okay.' That doesn't mean every behaviour is okay. We can accept the emotion while maintaining a boundary around the behaviour. For example: 'It's okay to feel angry. I'm not going to let you hurt yourself or someone else. Let's find a safe way to get through this.' This helps young people understand that emotions themselves aren't something to fear or feel ashamed of.

There are lots of small things we can do to support emotional regulation.

Notice - Pay attention to changes in mood, behaviour and body language.

Name - Help young people develop the words to describe how they feel.

Validate - Let them know that their feelings are real, even when we see the situation differently.

Model - Show them what healthy emotional regulation looks like.

Practice - Explore coping strategies when they are calm.

Connect - Build relationships where they feel safe enough to seek help.

Reflect - Talk about difficult moments afterwards, without shame.

And remember that sometimes the most helpful thing we can offer is simply ' I'm here. We'll work through this together.'