I can't do it - Helping young people build confidence

'I can't do it.'

It's a phrase most parents, carers and teachers will have heard many times.

Sometimes it is said before a young person has even tried. Sometimes it comes after they have struggled. Sometimes it is accompanied by frustration, tears, anger or simply giving up. And sometimes, when we hear it repeatedly, it can be difficult not to respond with:

'Yes, you can!'

We know they are capable. We can see their potential. We may even know that they have done something similar before.

So why don't they believe it?

'I can't' doesn't always mean 'I can't'.

When a young person says 'I can't do it', they may not actually be telling us that they are unable to complete the task. They might be saying 'I am worried I will get it wrong', 'I don't know where to start', ' This feels too difficult', ' I don't want people to see me fail' or 'I don't believe I can.

Sometimes the biggest barrier isn't ability. It's confidence.

We often tell young people to be confident before they try something. But confidence doesn't always work that way. Sometimes confidence comes from trying.

A young person has a go. They struggle. They get some help. They make a mistake. They try again. Eventually, something works. And they experience a small but important moment: 'I did it.'

That experience can be far more powerful than simply being told: 'You can do it.'

We can encourage young people all day, but there is something different about experiencing success for yourself. That's why small opportunities to succeed matter.

When something feels overwhelming, the whole task can seem impossible. Imagine being given a huge pile of schoolwork and being told 'Get it all done.' For some young people, that might immediately trigger: 'I can't do it.' Instead we can help break it down.

Breaking a challenge down into smaller steps can make it feel more manageable. And when the young person completes one step, we can recognise that process. 'You got started even though you didn't feel confident.'

That is worth celebrating.

When a young person is struggling, it can be tempting to step in and take over. It is quicker. It avoids frustration. And sometimes we simply want to help. But if we regularly do difficult things for them, we can unintentionally send the message 'You can't manage this without me.' Instead try to offer support without taking away their opportunity to succeed. The aim isn't to leave them struggling. It's to help them discover what they can do with the right amount of support.

One of the simplest ways we can change the language around confidence is to add one small word ... yet. 'I can't do it', becomes 'I can't do it yet.' It simply reminds a young person that their current ability isn't necessarily their future ability.

Skills develop. Confidence develops. Understanding develops. And resilience develops too.

Praise can be incredibly helpful, but what we praise matters.

If we only praise young people for being clever, getting things right or achieving a particular result, they may begin to worry about what happens when they don't succeed. Instead, try noticing the process. 'You kept going when it got difficult', 'You asked for help' or 'You didn't give up straight away'. These messages teach young people that resilience isn't about always succeeding. It's about how we respond when something is difficult.

For some young people, what seems like a tiny achievement to an adult can feel enormous to them. Getting through a difficult morning. Answering a question right in class. Trying something they normally avoid. These moments matter. We don't always need a huge celebration. Sometimes simply saying 'I noticed you gave that a go today' can be enough.

Small successes build evidence.

Sometimes encouragement can actually make things worse. A young person who is already overwhelmed may hear 'Come on, you can do it' as pressure.

If they are already feeling anxious or lacking confidence, repeated encouragement may make them feel that they are disappointing us. Instead, we can acknowledge how difficult it feels. 'I can see this feels really hard right now', then reduce the pressure. 'We don't have to figure everything out at once. Let's work out the first step'.

It is important to remember young people don't need adults who appear to be good at everything. They need adults who show them that struggling is normal.

Let them hear you say ' I'm finding this difficult' 'I don't know how to do this, I am going to ask for help'. These everyday moments show young people that difficulty isn't something to be ashamed of.

It is simply part of learning.

It's important to remember that resilient young people will still have moments when they say 'I can't'. They will still feel nervous. They will still avoid things sometimes. They will still have days when their confidence will disappear.

Building resilience doesn't mean eliminating those feelings. It means helping young people develop the ability to move through them.

Sometimes confidence looks like 'I am scared, but I'll try.' Sometimes it looks like 'I don't know how, but I will ask.'

We can't give young people confidence simply by telling them to be confident.

Confidence grows through experience. Through trying. Through making mistakes. Through being supported. Through experiencing small successes.

Through discovering that something they once thought they couldn't do becomes something they can.

So when a young person says 'I can't do it' perhaps our response doesn't need to be 'Yes, you can.' Maybe it can be 'It feels like you can't right now. Let's work out what might help.'

Because sometimes the goal isn't to convince a young person that they can do something. It's to help them take one small step towards finding out that they can.