Resilience isn't build on your own: The importance of Relationships

When we think about building resilience in young people, we can sometimes focus on what the young person needs to learn or change.

We might think about teaching them coping strategies, helping them manage their emotions, encouraging positive thinking or supporting them to overcome challenges.

All of these things are important.

But there is something that sits underneath all of this that we can sometimes overlook: Resilience doesn't develop in isolation.

The relationships and connections a young person has with the people around them can play a huge part in how they learn to cope with life's challenges.

The importance of feeling safe - Before a young person can confidently face a challenge, they need to feel that they have somewhere safe to return to.

Feeling safe doesn't necessarily mean that everything around them is perfect or that they never experience difficulties. It means knowing that there is someone who will listen, care, support them and help them when things become too much.

For some young people, this may be a parent or carer. For others, it could be a teacher, LSA, mentor, family member, youth worker or another trusted adult.

Sometimes, one positive relationship can make a bigger difference than we realise.

A young person who believes that someone understands them or that someone will be there if they need them, may feel more able to take risks, try new things and face situations that feel difficult.

When a young person is struggling, our natural reaction as adults can be to try and solve the problem. We want to make things better and reassure them. But sometimes what a young person needs most isn't a solution. They need someone to listen to them.

Sitting alongside a young person and saying ' That sounds really difficult' can sometimes be more powerful than immediately trying to make the problem disappear.

Listening helps young people feel heard and understood. It also gives us the opportunity to understand what might be happening underneath their behaviour or emotions.

Connection before correction - When a young person is overwhelmed, angry, upset or anxious, it can be difficult for them to take on advice or respond calmly. This is where connection becomes particularly important.

Before we ask a young person to change their behaviour, manage their emotions or solve a problem, we may need to help them feel regulated and safe enough to do so. This doesn't mean ignoring inappropriate behaviour or removing boundaries. It means recognising that relationships and boundaries can work along side each other.

The power of one trusted adult - We often hear about the importance of a young person having positive relationships, but sometimes it can feel overwhelming to think that we need to build a whole network of support. We don't.

For some young people, having one consistent, trusted adult can be an incredibly important starting point. That person might be a teacher who always greets them at the door. It might be the parent who sits beside them when they are struggling. It might be the LSA who remembers something they told them weeks ago. It might be the youth worker who notices when they are looking down without needing to say anything. These small moments communicate - I see you - I remember you - You matter - I care. Those communications can become part of the foundation on which resilience grows.

Supporting a young person doesn't mean removing every difficult situation from their life. In fact, if we constantly step in and solve every problem for them, they may have fewer opportunities to discover what they are capable of.

There is a balance between supporting and rescuing.

It is important than when learning to help a young person solve a problem, adults help to guide them in finding a solution to their problem.

Mistakes are part of learning, young people need opportunities to make mistakes without feeling that those mistakes will define them. If a young person believes they must always get things right, they may become frightened of trying something new.

But when adults respond to mistakes with curiosity and encouragement, we can help change the message. This doesn't mean there are no consequences or accountability. It means we use mistakes as opportunities to learn rather than shame.

Over time, young people can begin to understand that getting something wrong doesn't mean they have failed. It means they have another opportunity to learn.

One of the most powerful ways we teach young people is through what we do ourselves. Young people watch how adults around them respond to frustration, disappointment, mistakes and change.

They notice when we lose our patience. They notice when we apologise. They notice when we try again. They notice when we ask for help.

We don't need to pretend that adults have everything figured out. In fact, allowing young people to see that adults also experience difficult emotions can be incredibly valuable. We can show them that resilience doesn't mean never struggling. It means recognising when we are struggling and finding healthy ways to move forward.

Building resilience doesn't always happen through big conversations or carefully planned activities. It happens in every day moments. A bedtime conversation - A hug after a difficult day - Sitting quietly beside them when words are too difficult - celebrating something they have put effort into - giving them space to make a decision. These moments may seem small to us, but to a young person they communicate something much bigger.

A young person may not always remember the advice we gave them. They may not always remember every conversation, every strategy or every lesson. But they may remember how we made them feel.

They may remember the adult who believed in them when they didn't believe in themselves.

The person who listened without judgement.

The person who gave them another chance.

The person who stayed when things were difficult.

Sometimes, that relationship is where resilience begins.