Why does my child react like that? Understanding behaviour

As parents, carers and professionals, there are moments when we find ourselves asking: 'Why are they behaving like this?'

A young person might suddenly become angry, refuse to do something, shut themselves away, become tearful, argue, lash out, avoid school, refuse to engage or appear completely overwhelmed by something that, from the outside, seems quite small.

It can be difficult to understand. It can also be difficult to not take the behaviour personally.

But what if we stopped asking the question 'How do I stop this behaviour?' and started asking the question 'What is this behaviour trying to tell me?'

Young people don't always have the words, emotional awareness or confidence to explain what is happening inside them. Sometimes their behaviour communicates what they cannot put into words.

A young person may find it difficult to say 'I'm feeling anxious about what is going to happen.' Instead, they will tell you they feel sick and refuse to leave the house.

A young person may find it difficult to say 'I feel embarrassed because I don't understand the work.' Instead they might disrupt the class or refuse to complete work.

A young person might find it difficult to say 'I've had a difficult day and I'm struggling to cope.' Instead, they might become angry over something that appears insignificant.

This doesn't mean that every behaviour has a hidden explanation or that difficult behaviour should simply be accepted. It means that looking beyond the behaviour can help us understand what support might be needed.

The behaviour that we see may not be the whole story!

Imagine a young person who refuses to enter school. From the outside, it could look like defiance. But what might be happening underneath? Perhaps they are worried about being separated from their parents. Perhaps they are struggling with friendships. Perhaps the classroom feels overwhelming. Perhaps they are exhausted because they haven't been sleeping well. Perhaps they are worried about getting something wrong. Perhaps there has been a big change at home. Perhaps they are struggling with something they don't yet have the words to explain.

The behaviour is visible. The reason behind it may not. This is why it can be helpful to pause before making assumptions when dealing with certain behaviours.

It is important to remember the language we use when dealing with behaviours is important. Instead of asking 'What's wrong with you?' we can ask 'What's happened?'. Instead of asking 'Why are you behaving like that?' we can ask 'What is making this difficult right now?'. Instead of saying 'You need to calm down' we can say 'I can see this is feeling really difficult. Let's work out what you need.'

These small changes in language don't remove boundaries or expectations. They simply move us from judging the behaviour towards understanding the young person.

Sometimes behaviour can be connected to an unmet need. That need could be emotional, social, physical or environmental.

A young person might need:

• Connection

• Reassurance

• Sleep

• Food/Drink

• Movement

• Predictability

• Sensory regulation

• Attention

• Safety

• Help

• Change of environment

• Support with friendships

• Understanding emotions

• An opportunity to be successful

This doesn't mean that we should always assume that a particular behaviour always means a particular need. Two young people can behave in exactly the same way for completely different reasons. That is why curiosity is so important. Rather than jumping to conclusions, we need to find the reason why.

One useful thing can be to look for patterns in a particular behaviour. Does this behaviour happen:

• At a particular time of the day?

• Before a certain lesson?

• When plans change?

• When the young person is asked to stop doing something they enjoy?

• After spending time with particular people?

• When they are tired?

• When there is a lot of noise?

• When they are expected to complete something they find difficult?

• Or does it seem to happen without an obvious trigger?

Looking for patterns can give us valuable information. It can help us understand what happens before, during and after the behaviour.

For example:

Before - A young person is asked to start a piece of work.

Behaviour - They become angry, push the work away and refuse.

After - The task is removed.

If this happens repeatedly, we might begin to wonder whether the task itself is creating anxiety, whether the young person doesn't understand it, whether they are worried about getting it wrong, or whether avoiding the talk has accidentally become a successful way of escaping something they find difficult.

The answer isn't always obvious. But noticing the patterns helps give us somewhere to start.

One of the most important things to remember is that a young person's reaction may not always match how significant the situation appears to an adult. A young person becoming upset because their favourite cup is unavailable might seem like a huge reaction to a very small problem. But to that young person, in that moment, the feeling is real.

There may also be other things contributing to their reaction. Perhaps they have already had a difficult morning. Perhaps they are tired. The missing cup may simply be the final thing that pushes them beyond what they can manage.

Understanding this doesn't mean giving in to every demand. It means recognising that sometimes the behaviour we see is the result of everything that has happened before that moment, not just what is happening right now.

When behaviour becomes the focus it is easy for a young person to become known for their behaviour.

They become:

• The angry one

• The difficult one

• The one who refuses

• The attention seeker

• The bully

• The naughty one

But labels can become incredibly powerful. If a young person repeatedly hears that they are difficult, they may eventually begin to believe it. And once a young person starts to see themselves as someone who 'always gets things wrong', their confidence can suffer.

This is where resilience and behaviour become closely connected. A young person who has low confidence may be more likely to avoid challenges because they expect to fail. Avoiding challenges means they have fewer opportunities to experience success. Fewer experiences of success can reinforce the belief 'I can't do it'. And that belief can make the next challenge even harder.

When looking at behaviour and resilience it doesn't mean teaching young people to simply tolerate difficult situations. It means helping them understand themselves and develop the skills to manage challenges. Sometimes that starts with helping them recognise what is happening inside their body.

• Racing heart

• Hurting tummy

• Getting really hot

• Wanting to get away

These physical signs can be early clues that emotions are becoming difficult to manage. If a young person learns to recognise those signals, they may gradually become better able to communicate 'I'm getting overwhelmed'. That gives an adult an opportunity to support them before the situation reaches crisis point.

Boundaries still matter, understanding behaviour does not mean allowing unsafe or harmful behaviour. Young people still need clear, predictable boundaries. They need to know what is expected of them and what is not acceptable. The difference is in how we respond. We can hold a boundary while still showing empathy. You could try 'I understand that you're angry. It's okay to feel angry. It is not okay to hit someone. I'm going to help you calm down, and then we'll talk about what happened'. This communicates two important messages at the same time, 'Your feelings are valid' and 'Your behaviour still has boundaries'.

The next time a young person displays challenging behaviour, try pausing for a moment.

• What happened just before the behaviour?

• What might they be feeling?

• What might they be trying to communicate?

• Is there a pattern?

• Is there something they are finding difficult?

• Is there an unmet need?

• Am I responding to the behaviour, or am I supporting the young person underneath it?

We won't always get it right

Sometimes we will misunderstand.

Sometimes we will react before we have had time to think.

That's okay.

The goal isn't to become a perfect parent, carer or professional. It's the become curious. To look beyond the behaviour. To listen. To notice patterns. To ask questions.

And to remember that the young person in front of us is more than the behaviour they are displaying.